If Only
by Avery Kensington
Summary: An AU of the hotel scene from "To Love and Die in L.A."


**If Only**

"You're not so bad yourself, Castle…"

The words were out of her mouth before she'd had a chance to think about what consequences they might bring. It didn't take long for her to realize the effect her declaration had on him. His reaction was immediate. As he gazed at her, his eyes burned deep into her soul. The seconds ticked by like hours.

She'd worked so hard to build walls to protect herself; Kept her feelings for him safely hidden away.

Until now.

It was too late to take them back. She'd said the words and now he knew exactly how she felt about him.

She wasn't ready. Or at least that was the lie that she had told herself. She'd been trying to hide her attraction for him. Clearly unsuccessfully. But she hadn't planned on having this moment with him right now.

She knew if she stayed there for one more second she would do something she'd most likely regret in the morning.

She broke eye contact with him.

"I should go. It's late...Goodnight."

She scurried off the couch and away from the intense heat between them. She needed to get to the safety of her room as quickly as possible. She'd hoped that he would leave it at that, not say anything else.

But he did.

"Kate…"

Oh, God.

_Kate_.

She loved the way her name sounded when it came from his lips. It was all she could do to choke out a reply before quickly closing the door.

"Goodnight, Castle."

She took a deep breath as she leaned against the inside of the door. She closed her eyes, covered her face with her hands and raked her fingers through her hair, fighting the internal battle with her heart and her mind.

Royce's words echoed in her head.

_**It's clear that you and Castle have something real, and you're fighting it... **_

Was she ever.

Why did Castle have to open up to her _tonight_?

_You know what I thought when I first met you? That you were a mystery I was never gonna solve. Even now, after spending all this time with you, I'm still amazed at the depths of your strength, your heart…_

_And your hotness._

_Her_ hotness? Oh, God. What about _his _hotness?

This is exactly the reason she didn't want to share a hotel room with him. She wanted him so badly. Her body ached for his touch. But more than that, her heart ached for _him_.

Her hand was inches from the doorknob.

_**Risking our hearts is why we're alive. **_

She wondered if Castle was still waiting out there, sitting on the couch, watching the door, hoping for her return. Or perhaps he'd already gotten up and gone to his room.

She would never know unless she turned the knob.

_**The last thing you want is to look back on your life and wonder...if only...**_

As she opened the door, her eyes immediately went to the spot on the couch where he'd been sitting. But when she didn't see him there, her eyes found his where he stood across the room. She could tell he'd been moving toward his room.

She didn't move and neither did he. Her hand held tight to the doorknob. Finally, she was the first to speak.

"Castle…"

That one word was apparently all he needed to propel himself across the room to meet her in her bedroom doorway. The heat between them was palpable. She searched his eyes and could tell that her eyes gave her thoughts away.

No more words were needed.

She remembered the first time he'd kissed her in the darkened alley. It had all happened so quickly: the feel of his hands as he'd grasped her face and had brought his mouth to hers; the taste of his lips. She'd been completely blind-sided by his actions and was even more surprised at her reaction to his kiss. If she'd had any time to think about it she probably would have backed off. But there had been no thinking, just feeling. And as much as she had enjoyed the moment, they'd also had a job to complete. It had ended much too soon.

This time there were no distractions. Kate savored every delicious moment of his hands on her face and in her hair, but she especially enjoyed reacquainting herself with the taste of his lips. She parted her lips for him and couldn't help the tiny moan that escaped when his tongue met hers.

Her hands roamed freely in his hair. She caressed his broad shoulders and muscular arms and then moved her hands over his chest and down to the buttons on the front of his shirt. She began to unfasten the buttons.

Then he pulled away.

"Kate," he said breathing heavily, reaching down to refasten his shirt. "We can't do this." He took a step back. "Not tonight. Not like this. As much as I want this…want _you_. We can't..." He paused before continuing. "You're not mine to have..."

Oh, God, he was right and she knew it. She was still with another man. But the _only_ man she had thought about being with tonight was Castle. The only man she _wanted_ to be with was Castle.

She turned her head and looked away.

"I'm sorry."

He moved toward her and grasped her shoulders. "Hey," he said softly, lifting her chin with his fingertips until their eyes met again. He stroked his thumbs across her cheeks and then pulled her face toward his, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead. "Don't be." He smiled. "I'll be here."

She smiled as she reached up and lightly caressed his lips with her fingertips, wanting to taste him again. She realized that one day soon she could give herself completely to him and his lips would belong to her.

"Thank you."

He smiled. "Always."

She smiled and then brushed her lips against his cheek, giving him a soft kiss.

"Goodnight, Castle."

She pulled her bedroom door closed and leaned on it once again. This time, instead of feeling confused and frustrated, she felt relieved and hopeful. She smiled as she heard him through the door.

"Until tomorrow, Kate."


End file.
